Girl Power: Standing up when your boundaries are crossed

I am a girl who has her kinks — everybody does. Whether you enjoy golden showers, being penetrated anally or have a foot fetish, after a while people start to develop things that turn them on whether it is taboo or not.

I’m very experimental when it comes to sex. I love choking and BDSM style naughty play and engage in harnesses, leashes, collars, slaps and ties often. I’m not a full nipple-clamp kind of girl but if I am in the mood I love to try new things.

As my sexual experiences grow I’ve been finding my limits as to what I find sexy, kinky or just plain gross. Sometimes it is a fine line — I am happy sending nudes and receiving dick pics as long as it’s not the first photo I receive from a guy. I call myself a slut or a whore but no one else is allow to call me that. Finding what you are comfortable with and uncomfortable with is an important part of growing sexually.

But during my recent exploratory years I felt like I went too far — like it was too much. I realised I liked kinky fun dirty play but I don’t like being disrespected or degraded. Some people get off on that shit but I have come to realise I wasn’t one of them.

I met a guy up for sex who I had seen once before and had enjoyed my experience with. He was a bit of a dom but I was interested in gaining new sexual experiences with him so was keen to give it a try and meet him again. But things changed. After a very sexually charged weekend I was tired and just wasn’t in the mood to be too dirty. I want a good fucking without having to go too dirty.

Because you can’t be dirty all the time. Sex changes — whether you are fucking, making love or having sex, it depends on the mood, the flirtation and the energy. Well, I wasn’t in the mood for fucking. I wanted to just have sex.

I knew my heart wasn’t really in it but I got into it anyway. The oral pleasure was delightful as usual and I ended up taking something very very large into my pussy, but then it came to his turn. I was happy to give him a blowjob and enjoyed doing so but that’s when things got a bit dirty.

He started filming me sucking his cock.

Usually I am ok with being filmed — I have flirted with being a camgirl after all and he had expressed interest in being on the show with me. I knew he wanted to film it so I wasn’t surprised. I went along with it and gave my consent for being filmed but what came next went a little too far over my boundary line.

‘You’re my whore aren’t you?’ he told me as I sucked his cock and looked up at him. ‘What are you? Tell me.’ When I didn’t say anything his dom voice came through and he started demanding it forcefully. ‘What are you? Tell me!’

‘I’m your whore,’ I told him, looking him dead in the eye as he filmed me saying it. Then I ended our sex session abruptly and never spoke to him again.

But I was wrong.

I was wrong to give in to his demands just because he was in a dominating position sexually. I had felt pressured to call myself a derogatory name to bring myself down during sex. I wasn’t comfortable with this specific thing and there wasn’t a gun to my head. This was a man who told me I was a queen, who he worshipped and was in awe of and suddenly he wanted me to be his whore.

It stripped away every belief of queendom I had been cultivating in the last three months. I’d been developing respect for myself and demanding it from others and it had been stripped away with three words that I should never have said. I should have told him that I was his queen instead.

But I didn’t say that. And I left feeling dirty and degraded.

This isn’t the first time I have been called someone’s whore or felt forced to say it. I had a friend in France sext me and he started calling me his slut and his whore and saying he wanted me to do extremely degrading things. Needless to say my pussy dried up instantly.

Unfortunately, a lot of girls are in this situation and this is not uncommon. It can be hard to sometimes gather the confidence we need to say we are unhappy with something, even in what should be a consenting situation. Despite the wonderful growing acts of equality and feminism we are still living in a world where women are paid less than men, and are also sexually harassed, disrespected and discriminated against. If the strong voices amongst us speak up about it they are usually branded every derogatory name under the sun for daring to shed light on the misogyny. There is a toxic culture that women are seen as simply a body for men to control and this can be widely seen through the #MeToo sexual harassment campaign and even to derogatory quotes and sayings that come out of the United States of America’s current President Donald Trump.

There are big statements and there are small statements but all women should be encouraged to know their limits and their boundaries and be firm in what they believe and where they stand. Everyone should be encouraged to speak up if they feel their limits have been breached and no one should be torn down for having the courage to say they are not into something.

An excellent example of this was one of my best friends who told me a story where a man she was sleeping with said something to her in bed that she didn’t like. So what did she do? She got up and walked out on him mid-sex and dumped him right there and then. She took control of her own power and refused to let anyone disrespect her.

I was in awe of her. Too many times I have let men degrade me and simply stayed there, scared that I would never get sex again, thoughts of my past abandonment haunting me.

But physical momentary pleasure is never worth your dignity.

Despite what even the US President says, we do have power over our bodies. It’s important to develop your boundaries and be comfortable in saying no, especially in a world where women are expected to say yes all the time.

Since this day I have developed my line and my boundaries for being called things in bed or in a sexually explicit situation. Recently I was sexting with a relatively new lover and they dropped a very casual ‘you’re a naughty little slut aren’t you?’. I told him straight up that I don’t like being referred to as a slut or a whore by anyone else.

Luckily for me, my new lover was very considerate and replied with ‘Thank you so much for telling me that’ and our sexting continued with no love lost.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no issues with the word ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ and have used the language often in my writing and my conversations. But as Vice sex blogger Karley Sciortino said in her book Slutever, this is a word that should be taken back into the power and hands of those that control it, reducing the negative impact of the word. Off other people’s tongues, it has the potential for negativity or degradation, and this is why my line in the sand is drawn at other people saying these things to me.

I am more than my body. If I choose to give it to you it still doesn’t make it yours.

If something is wrong and you feel like a boundary has been crossed I implore you to speak up. Consent is sexy and you should never do anything you don’t want to do or feel pressured to do. You are in control and you deserve to be respected in every regard. If you are uncomfortable get the fuck out of there.

You don’t owe anyone anything and nobody owns you.

You are Wonder Woman, babe! Gather that strength to be confident about your boundaries and never settle for anything else.

Bunny Butterscotch

Bunny Butterscotch

Bunny Butterscotch knows the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to a modern day sex life and isn't afraid to talk about it. With a high sex drive and a dirty mind, Bunny navigates her collection of real life sexual encounters and learning curves with an honest outlook. She is a professional writer and author from Canberra.

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