Who better to review the orgiastic display that is the Bachelor in Paradise Australia than someone who has never watched a single episode of the Bachelor or Bachelorette. Here to recap all the subtle intricacies of finding ‘true love’ on reality television is Leiden’s copy editor Jesse Petrie.
Today we make Bachelor history, ladies and gentlemen, by bearing witness to what is, beyond any shadow of a doubt, the dullest episode of Paradise thus far: episode fourteen. And while some of its more unbearable moments may have more to do with my unfortunate sobriety than anything else, you have been warned. Read on if you dare.
We open to find the house is still reeling from the shocking revelation that Paradise will no longer be receiving the life support of new contestants. This news is forcing everyone to re-evaluate what it is they have with one another; and no one is hit harder than this by Simone, who senses Apollo’s wavering interest. Simone tries to maintain her stranglehold on Apollo by informing him that she is clingy and jealous, which has the opposite of her intended effect. Elora hears of the changing tides and begins to make plans.
Meanwhile, Rachael isn’t satisfied with the pace of her relationship with Thomas and quickly hunts him down in order to grill him about his plans for their future. Thomas is understandably ambivalent about this line of inquiry and claims that Rachael has changed since their date last night, apparently having forgotten that her intense questioning is what drew him to her in the first place.
Osher swings by to point out to everyone that there are more men than women in Paradise at the moment, which means the rose ceremony is in the men’s hands again. We then smash cut to the pre-ceremony cocktail party, where Elora is ready to spring her trap.
Elora entices Apollo away from Simone with promises of fire twirling. Apollo, who is apparently a pyromaniac, gleefully follows Elora to the flaming sticks. The two oil each other up and attempt to self-immolate while Simone sulks in the corner and the rest of the house cheers them on, repeatedly chanting ‘entertainment’.
As good a time as Elora and Apollo have, it isn’t quite enough to tear Apollo away from Simone’s iron grip as Apollo learns that Simone has been crying and rushes to her aid. Simone, who is conspicuously tear-free, tries to convince Apollo that Elora is only out to sabotage what they have. Apollo reveals that he genuinely had no idea he was the focal point of the show’s loudest love triangle. Simone cries for real this time while Apollo stares vacantly.
Elora, noticing that Apollo is still talking to Simone, decides to throw in the towel and latch on to American Jared, who has become quite the ladies man now that all the ladies are terminally desperate. Florence doesn’t take too kindly to Elora’s advances, however, as she seems to think she has a deeper connection with American Jared, having spent the last five minutes learning his name.
The ceremony finally begins and, once again, it manages to be even more tedious than all ceremonies preceding it. Grant goes to Ali, Jarrod goes to Keira and Sam to Tara. Thomas gives his rose away a little less speedily, taking some time to consider his only option before giving the rose to Rachael. And then we come to American Jared, who finds himself torn, yet again, between two women he doesn’t much care for. Jared briefly waxes philosophical before abdicating his rose and leaving Paradise once and for all. Apollo closes out the affair by reaffirming his bizarre loyalty to Simone.
The rose ceremony ends and Elora and Florence spitefully curse Paradise as it ejects them from its embrace. Apollo bursts into tears shortly after, claiming everything has gone to shit. Simone and Apollo have an excruciatingly long discussion about how they have nothing in common but like each other anyway. The both cry in each other’s arms some more before deciding to leave Paradise and give the relationship a real go, confident that they can make it work (spoilers: they couldn’t).
The sun rises and no one is particularly concerned by the disappearance of Apollo and Simone. Osher swaggers in to break the lack of tension and informs the house that this is it: the rose ceremonies are over and now its time for the couples to have a serious discussion about their futures; if they see a future together, they can remain in the fantasy; if not, they must leave Paradise today. Rachael and Thomas feel that their relationship hasn’t progressed far enough in the forty-eight hours they have been together and Thomas doesn’t want to continue the farce. Rachel cries in a mildly heartrending scene while Thomas hops in the first cab out of Paradise.
As the episode comes to a close the show makes the bold claim that they can somehow squeeze two episodes of content out of the upcoming finale. Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen, for the two part Bachelor in Paradise grand finale; the one that will finally put me in the grave.
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