Who better to review the orgiastic display that is the Bachelor in Paradise Australia than someone who has never watched a single episode of the Bachelor or Bachelorette. Here to recap all the subtle intricacies of finding ‘true love’ on reality television is Leiden’s copy editor Jesse Petrie.
We’re on the home stretch, ladies and gentlemen. A little bird (Osher) has told me that this is the final week of Paradise. But don’t go popping your champagne just yet, we still have to trudge our way through the few remaining episodes of this sad charade. And on that note: let’s unpack episode thirteen.
We open with a reformed Jarrod and Keira now being sickeningly sweet to one another. They share a heartwarming chuckle over Jarrod’s inability to orient Keira’s jewellery before Keira forces the issue of ‘are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?’ The lazy attempt at banter that follows is confirmation enough for both parties. They share a kiss and celebrate the formation of a relationship that will ‘last forever’.
The high spirits rage on, as Leah of all people is in a rather fine mood herself, pleased that she can finally build a lasting relationship with American Jared, who was forced (thanks to the crafty manoeuvring of Thomas) into giving her his rose; it seems things are finally going to start going her way.
American Jared comes over to make it clear that the age of things going her way is over as he bluntly tells her he only gave her the rose because Rachael was snatched up. Leah is somehow shocked at this fairly obvious news and considers leaving Paradise again; but no, she will rise from the ashes and find love.
Meanwhile, American Jared has wandered off to find Rachael and explain the complicated tapestry of thoughts that were racing through his mind during the non-issue that was last episode’s rose ceremony. Rachel can’t keep pace with his rapid fire verbiage, however, and things are left feeling rather sour between the two.
Across the way, Thomas brags about the skill with which he sabotaged American Jared, apparently equating being first in line with romantic finesse on his part. Eden stumbles in with the newest date card, which goes to Thomas, who springs up triumphantly, struts over to Rachael and seductively asks her on a date. Rachael says yes and Thomas seductively jumps up and down shouting ‘yes, yes!’
The date begins with a joyride in a golf cart before settling in to a good old game of ‘love golf’, otherwise known as croquet. Thomas runs through an extensive list of every cliché joke related to golf he can think of, including such gems as: shaking his rear back and forth as he tees up, and thrusting his crotch into Rachael’s back while she puts.
Rachael seems to this is indicative of an adventurous spirit and is intrigued, but she doesn’t have time to mess around and needs to find out more about him fast. She bombards him with questions on everything he likes about her and seems satisfied with his shallow responses. They both agree that love is the path of least resistance and Rachael returns from the date with more Thomas in her heart than American Jared.
Back at base camp, Jake is happy that Paradise has finally become smooth sailing and that he is finally able to just be in love Megan. Naturally, his happiness angers whatever cruel gods run this show and they send in Osher to drop the bombshell that the newest contestant is actually one of the oldest contestants ― Florence, who admits that she is only here to see her vendetta against Jake through to its apocalyptic end. Jake paces back and forth, reflects on his past dealings with Florence and contemplates suicide. But at least Simone is pleased.
Time passes and Florence is now chatting with some of the other women in the house. She compares herself to a cockroach and tries to backtrack on her earlier declaration of war, insisting that the real reason she is here is to find a good man. This facade falls away quickly at the first mention of Jake, however, and Florence is soon reduced to a series of curses and bleeps. This sets off an amusing montage of Florence talking about Jake for what seems to be upwards of eight hours.
A second date card arrives and the lucky recipient is Tara, who unsurprisingly takes Sam. The pair go off to do some Bollywood style dancing and share a disturbing kiss. They are now officially in love and I couldn’t care less.
On a more interesting note, Eden still believes that he and Elora have something special. Elora still believes that Eden is aware of her bottomless loathing for him. The divide between their expectations is so sharp that a producer has to step in and tell Elora that, yes, Eden really is as dumb as he looks. So Elora decides to exorcise the over-eager lump once and for all, taking him aside to set the record straight. Eden, unable to see the link between his behaviour and Elora’s disgust with him, blames Elora for all his faults before getting up and unceremoniously leaving Paradise forever.
With Eden disposed of, Elora now comes back to the house to spin his disappearance into a story about how great she is. Keira continues her hot streak by calling her out instantaneously, accusing her for being selfish and impure in her intentions, though one must argue that disposing of Eden can only be seen in the noblest of lights.
The evening rolls on and Florence has transformed into a seething vortex of hate at the centre of Paradise. Jake and Megan retreat into the forest, the only place they can escape the hellfire of Florence. But Jake cannot live like this any longer. He decides the only way he can continue his relationship with Megan is by facing his demon. He heroically marches over to Florence and pulls her aside for a heart to heart.
Florence gazes spitefully while Jake pleads for some kind of sanity. Florence isn’t buying what he’s selling, though; and just like that we’re transported back in time to episode one as Jake bows his head despondently while Florence hurls curses at him. But Jake soon shows his emotional growth by stepping up and swinging back. They both babble incoherently for some time before finally settling things on a low note and coming to an understanding.
Osher comes in to make the episode run just that little bit longer but compensates by giving us the pleasant news that there will be no more bachelor(ette)s entering Paradise. Leah decides to leave again for the final time, but not before tossing on her least appealing dress and giving an elongated speech that no one listens to.
The curtains close and the light of day begins to crack through the walls of this entertainment prison. We’re so close, ladies and gentlemen. So close…
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