Who better to review the orgiastic display that is the Bachelor in Paradise Australia than someone who has never watched a single episode of the Bachelor or Bachelorette. Here to recap all the subtle intricacies of finding ‘true love’ on reality television is Leiden’s copy editor Jesse Petrie.
I hope you’re ready, ladies and gentlemen, because this is the big one (yes, another big one). This is the one that will shake Paradise to its core (yes, again). This is the Bachelor in Paradise: episode eight.
We open as everyone is scratching their heads over the sudden absence of Laurina, who has wisely fled the island by cover of night. The house takes a disturbingly apathetic attitude towards the vanishing, choosing instead to invest their emotions in the ongoing saga of Jarrod and Keira.
Keira, having sobered up since her tirade the previous evening, notices that she has burned her bridges with the only man meek enough to tolerate her and suddenly seems ready to make amends. Jarrod also seems ready to make amends and the pair search out a quiet spot to resolve their dispute. The discussion quickly becomes heated as they argue over who has shamed themselves more publicly. But Keira, sensing her side of the argument weaken, ‘agrees to disagree’, and they both acknowledge that they are better off as just friends.
The friendship crumbles a few seconds later upon the arrival of the next date card, which goes to newcomer Simone, who sheepishly picks Jarrod, who instantly gloats of the damage it will do the Keira, who is now making battle plans for Simone’s demise.
Jarrod and Simone head down to the ocean to receive combination yoga-surfing lessons. Jarrod attempts to carry Simon through the waves on his back but ends up dropping her in the water. Everyone has a big old laugh at this cutesy accident, the legitimacy of which seems questionable as Jarrod exclaims ‘I can’t believe I dropped you’ in a tone so devoid of surprise he almost sounds sarcastic. He does manage to find some enthusiasm as the yoga lessons turn into a casting call for the worlds worst pornographic film.
Back at base camp Keanu Reeves (Michael) has something on his chest besides the regrettable eagle tattoo: he doesn’t feel a connection with anyone and he’s maybe thinking about doing something but he doesn’t want to talk about it but he doesn’t want to stop talking about it, which one can only interpret as internal conflict over his secret love for Luke.
Meanwhile, Eden and Nina have taken a turn for the worse. Eden is feeling an intense attraction to Elora, who he feels is an ‘exotic beauty’, apparently not used to dealing with women that don’t saturate themselves in dye and plastics. Interestingly, he feels Nina is the best person to discuss the burgeoning romance with.
Nina is unimpressed and storms off to discuss the issue with Grant, who appears to have taken on the role of camp counsellor, though Eden factors into the discussion very little as Nina is more interested in lamenting the loss of Daniel. Grant helpfully dissects the nuances of Nina’s emotional state by telling us that when she says ‘I don’t like Eden’, she means ‘I don’t like Eden’.
Now that the gunpowder has been laid out it’s time to fire up the rose ceremony and blow the whole thing sky high. Keira, who is late to the party, stumbles in and makes a show of ignoring Jarrod, who makes a show of being nonchalant and returns to bragging about his date with Simone. Keira, unable to handle the idea of not receiving a rose, stoops lower than ever and seeks out love in the most desperate of all places: Keanu.
Keira reasons that since Keanu doesn’t like any one, and since no one likes her, he may as well just toss her a rose. Keanu agrees with the logic but admits that there is someone he likes, someone forbidden. Keanu then spills the beans on what was tearing him apart earlier, it wasn’t his love for Luke at all but his love for Luke’s woman Lisa; and he plans on giving his rose to her tonight. The revelation is shocking enough to pierce through Keira’s drunken haze and she takes a strong stance against such rash action.
A few feet away Megan poses a suspiciously specific hypothetical to Luke and Lisa: what if there were other romantic options on the island? Lisa shoots the prospect down speedily enough but Luke admits a willingness to explore whatever options might arise. A wedge is finally driven between history’s most innocuous couple and Lisa is suddenly keen to explore Keanu, who, conveniently enough, has just entered the room. The two discuss their never before seen feelings for each other and Lisa tells Keanu to follow his heart.
Down the other end of the bar, Eden is a self proclaimed nervous wreck, not handling he and Nina’s mutual loathing of one another very well. Grant steps in yet again to advise against the course of love, instead telling Eden to go wherever his rod divines. Eden pulls Nina away to ask if its okay for him to dive deeper in to Elora. Nina assumes this is about her refusal to kiss him; he admits he’s got needs and accuses her of selfishness, jumbling up not one but two basic expressions in the process, telling her ‘words are words, but actions are speak louder [sic]’.
With Paradise at breaking point, the ceremony begins in earnest. Eden is first up and hogs the spotlight, droning on about taking risks or love or some other drivel, picking Elora to no one’s surprise. Next up there is a rapid firing of drama-free picks: Grant takes Ali, Sam takes Tara, Jake takes Megan and American Jared takes Leah.
The pace slows a bit once Jarrod picks Simone as the camera hovers on an amusing shot of Keira’s boozy frown. Then Keanu moseys up to the stage. He appears to have been inspired by Eden as he too makes a long and forgettable speech about love before picking Lisa, who accepts the rose wholeheartedly. Keanu then runs off into the darkness, weeping and shouting about how he’s ‘dogged his mate’. Finally we have Luke, who declares that everyone deserves a second chance and picks Kiera, possibly gambling on her vitriol being able to somehow destroy Lisa and Keanu.
And so we come to the close of the rose ceremony to end all rose ceremonies. Hearts and alliances have been shattered, never to be repaired. How can Paradise go on? Find out by skipping Sunday’s episode and reading Monday’s recap instead.
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