Who better to review the orgiastic display that is the Bachelor in Paradise Australia than someone who has never watched a single episode of the Bachelor or Bachelorette. Here to recap all the subtle intricacies of finding ‘true love’ on reality television is Leiden’s copy editor Jesse Petrie.
Contrary to all reason, The Bachelor in Paradise has managed to avoid cancellation long enough to see its second episode go to air. And man, do we hit the ground running with drama in this one. The episode opens with Davey deeply engaged in conversation with Florence, who appears to have recovered from her Davey shaped indignation in record time. But before things can get too steamy, in stomps Jake and his date card, which he has curiously decided to use on Florence, a woman who spent the better part of the previous evening hurling incoherent abuse his way.
Florence agrees to the date wholeheartedly and the two join hands and skip off into the forest, hopefully never to be seen again. Davey’s mood quickly sours as Jake is apparently his best mate, despite the two having had no visible interactions before this point, and he feels a betrayal most foul has taken place. But before he has time to reflect on these events and maybe see the irony, Keanu Reeves (Michael) materialises, seemingly out of thin air, and assures him that betrayal most foul has indeed taken place.
Meanwhile, Florence and Jake’s date is off to a predictable start, with Florence leading Jake around a forest path while belittling his forest path navigation skills. We then get a nice little insert in which Florence explains that she likes Jake but has no interest in him whatsoever, but ‘you never know what might happen’, which seems to be the rallying call of psychosis on this island.
They feign being lost for a few more minutes and then park themselves at the real date location: a small lagoon and waterfall. The romantic appeal of this location seems to have an invigorating effect on Jake, who quickly launches into a passionate declaration of love for Florence.
Unfortunately for Jake, the tranquillity of the location seems to have had a powerful narcotic effect on Florence as she mostly just stares off into space with total indifference as Jake’s passionate declaration slowly decays into sad, jumbled pleading. But while Jake’s strategy leaves much to be desired it does convince Florence to kiss him, who ends up regretting the decision with a speed that puts Leah’s previous record to shame.
Back at base camp the rest of the gang have discovered that Brett, who so far has made no attempt at engaging anyone romantically, may have a girlfriend on the outside. This naturally causes a great deal of distress to the rest of the house as Brett’s behaviour, if true, could forever taint the noble legacy of the Bachelor.
Led on by Keanu Reeves, who’s only true love seems to be stirring up trouble, the gang proceed to to discuss the rumour ad infinitum, like a game of Chinese whispers except no one builds on the original phrase. Just as the discussion is about to reach peak monotony Tara speaks out in Brett’s defence.
She likes having him around and she’s friends with his girl on the outside and apparently that makes his televised attempts at infidelity okay; I don’t know, coherence is apparently not a prerequisite for paradise. Tara works herself up into a whirlwind of emotion over the whole thing and flees to the most visible open space she can find to be alone and bawl her eyes out.
The gesture, however, falls flat as an impressively large number of people watch Tara’s profuse weeping with no emotion whatsoever. Florence eventually comes over to solve the problem in the only way she knows how: conflict. She drags Tara over to Brett so that the two can finally put a stop to these horrible rumours and make peace. Peace doesn’t last long, unfortunately, as a producer for the show comes over and forces a coy Brett to finally admit he’s already dating someone, which for some reason shocks Tara to her core.
Finally, we get introduced to our newest bombshell: Laurina, who, after a brief introduction in which she demonstrates the efficacy of communicating exclusively in platitudes, struts onto the stage and announces that she’s going to fall in love with the first attractive person who approaches her.
This dubious honour falls to Blake, who immediately rushes over and declares himself both ‘a dick’ and ‘a douche’, a tactic which unsurprisingly lands him the first date with Laurina. So off they go to smear each other with cosmetic filth, lounge about in the ocean and ignore each other’s many glaring faults in favour of, as Blake so eloquently puts it, that ‘feeling like something’s about to explode’.
Oh yeah, that new character from last episode’s cliff hanger, her name’s Keira, and she doesn’t seem to matter at all, spending most of the episode as a form of background scenery. They also managed to squeeze in a third new character in the form of Sam, who is introduced and forgotten so quickly his presence is almost subliminal.
So, with the day’s major dramas finally out of the way there’s just one more gruelling horror to endure: Osher… and the rose ceremony. Which ended up looking exactly like this:
- Nina – Eden
- Leah – Mac
- Kiera – Sam
- Lisa – Luke
- Laurina – Blake
- Tara – Keanu Reeves
- Florence – Jake
Rest in peace Brett and Davey, you might be missed, but not by me.
Given that the show seems hell bent on ignoring as much of the cast as possible, the only remotely interesting thing here is Florence’s decision to give the boot to Davey in favour of Jake, who she has been repeatedly voicing disdain for throughout the episode, including in the promo for the next episode. Could it be that this deranged mismatch is the face of true love after all? Only time will tell.
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