I am of the opinion that wearing makeup to the gym is absurd. So absurd in fact, that I mercilessly mock the shit out of people that do it.
When I am lifting a kettle bell or running on the treadmill like I am being chased by a bear through the Canadian woods, the last thing I care about is how perfect my skin or eye shadow blending abilities appear to others watching me, while I work out.
I am however, a makeup artist and I know how important it is to many of you, so I feel it’s my duty to give you some handy tips on how to look even more like a show pony if you choose to engage in the absurdity of wearing makeup while you sweat. Yes, I am judging you but you don’t care, you’re going to look flawless on Instagram and that’s all that matters.
When you’re pumping iron and flexing that tush you have spent a great deal of time on, doing a million squats a week, (because apparently that’s the magic number, to get your arse up to your bra strap) I suppose you’ve earned the right to look like Kevyn Aucoin just did your makeup.
Mating rituals at the gym are a part of gym culture, just like they are on Animal Planet. The difference is, you need to stay powder dry, especially if your potential mate is going to notice your goods and I am a big believer in behaving like a hyena on heat without having to look like one.
So how would you do your makeup so that you look hot but not so hot it all ends up on your abs?
The trick here is to really pack it on. Forget what you know about beauty blenders and makeup brushes. Fingers will put it on nice and thick. The best sweat proof type of foundation is a good old fashioned foundation stick, preferably oil free or a waterproof formula. The creamier the better. You want your skin to look like butter and for the foundation to look like you could spread it on toast. If it looks like that, you’re on the right track. Now, when you’re done with your foundation and concealer, put a nice layer of powder on top with your beauty blender to seal it in place. If it looks like it might crack, then you’ve done it right and you’re ready for contouring.
Contouring is vital for when you’re going to take the inevitable gym selfie. Don’t pretend you won’t; you and I both know you take at least 34 photos before deciding that number 17 is perfect and makes your thigh gap look just big enough that a small child could walk through it.
So, back to contouring. A matte grey-brown shade that you’ve dipped your contouring brush in while you suck your cheeks in, is exactly what you shouldn’t do but go on, you’ve earned it and besides; no one needs to know your chiseled cheekbones are created by an unnatural looking brown streak of powder. That’s entirely your business.
Now, make sure you don’t put on any highlighter; your natural sweat will achieve that glow, but go for gold with your blusher. Your natural skin colour has zero chance of showing itself through that fire proof foundation and besides, you’re not going to work out that hard, your hair will go frizzy and you just spent an hour with your GHD making it look as straight as nails.
Waterproof eye shadow sticks work a treat for that workout appropriate smokey eye, worn with a double set of false lashes like the ones Priscilla Presley wore when she married Elvis. Now, put on your lipstick and gloss until your lips feel so heavy that you dip forward when you walk. That should do it. Don’t forget to post the #nofilter caption with your photo.
No flaws require no filter, you sexy lycra wearing beast, you.